How and When to Begin a Discussion with a Friend Going Through a Tough Time (continue)

Be Patient:

1. They may not be ready to share everything with you, or they may not know how to articulate everything they are going through. Seek comfort in patience if you need time. You can always return to your concerns if you continue to see things that worry you. (Chatroulette)

Try to Avoid:

1. Language that feels critical or accusatory. For example, avoid saying things like "I really feel like you're not doing your part at work," or "You're not contributing enough to the project." Even if those things are true, remember that it is best to speak from a sense of concern and support. This doesn't mean you have to shield the person from something they genuinely need to be aware of, especially if it is negatively affecting you or others. On many occasions, you can share your observations differently. For example, you can say, "I notice that you get distracted when we are in meetings, and when that happens, you seem unhappy or stressed," or "I remember you said you wanted to start working on the project, but I noticed that it's challenging for you to make it to the meetings or participate when we do get together."
2. Bringing others' perspectives into the conversation. For instance, don't say things like, "Some of our friends have mentioned that you've been ignoring them or mistreating them," or "Everyone at work has noticed that something is happening to you." Remember to stick with specific things that you have observed that have concerned you.
3. Bringing more people when you meet. You don't want to make your friend feel overwhelmed.
4. Being confrontational or defensive. Avoid interrupting, minimizing your concerns, or defending someone who has hurt you.
5. Analyzing the problem or trying to solve it for them. It's not your duty to know all the answers or offer advice on how to handle the situation. If they are struggling with an issue, such as depression, addiction, or grief, they might need other support than what you can suggest as a friend.

These tips are a good starting point, but remember that you have to consider your friend's personality, their relationship, and the situation to do the right thing. If you decide you feel comfortable enough to start the conversation, you still have options. You can seek support from other friends, colleagues, or family members you trust.

You've proactively started the conversation. What's Next? Starting the conversation is the first step. If your friend is receptive, you can suggest that they seek therapy or connect with support groups or other resources. If the person is open to the idea, you can support them in seeking help. If your friend doesn't know where to start looking for help, they can begin by calling The Jed Foundation.

If your friend dismisses the conversation, brushes off your concerns, or tells you everything is fine when you think something is wrong, it's important to pay attention to your gut feelings. If you don't know what to do, you can see these tips on how to approach a not-open friend to getting help and how to take care of yourself while dealing with others. (free cam to cam chat)